I don't have any answers. I am a simple person with simple values and honestly I feel like I am a selfish person with selfish values.
I have lived on this earth for 29 years, 32 days and 9 hours and I am wondering right now why God has given me this life. I am wondering why me? Why am I able to go through every day and wake up with air in my lungs, and a warm bed, a good job, nice clothes, nice things, but I am confused.
I took everything I was given by God for granted. I am selfish. I want what I want and as much as I don't want to believe that it's true. I have ideas and fantasies in my head and when they don't go the way I want them to, I let that control me.
I push away the people I love the most. I push so hard that I take for granted everything I've been blessed with. Memories, hugs, embrace, a shoulder to cry on, someone who listens, someone who does sweet things just because or someone who loves their child so much that they would lay down their life for them. I hurt everyone I love. I am nice to strangers, and mean to my loved ones. I don't deserve their love, I don't deserve my husband's love.
I hurt my best friend. I betrayed my best friend. I lost my best friend, and someone very wise once told me "sometimes people don't get second chances." I am pretty sure that my "second chance" has been long gone, and I will never be able to get that back.
There are no excuses for what I did. I committed the ultimate sin. I committed adultery against my husband and not even God can forgive that. I broke a commandment. I broke a sacred vow that I swore before God and my family, friends, loved ones and especially my husband. I don't deserve to be forgiven, I don't deserve anything. Who does that? Who hurts the forgiving God, the creator of all things, the one that died for our sins? Who hurts the person they love the most in the world?
A bad person.
I am not worthy, and that is why I am alone. My husband, D, is a good person. The best person. He is a Godly man, and a wonderful soul and I am nothing. I am a person who was tainted by the Devil and allowed him to envelope me in sin. I thought I was strong, until the Devil was able to get a hold of me and I wasn't strong enough to resist. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. The guilt I feel is literally so deep and so painful that I constantly wish there was a way to end it. Forever.
But I am weak. I am too weak to do it myself. I pray for it to happen by chance, but what does that say about me? That I am even more of sinner because I pray that I can die? How does someone get to this point? How does someone have a life that is so good, and throw it away because they can't handle what's going on around them.
I lost him. I lost my husband and my best friend. He doesn't want me, he doesn't want anything to do with me. Why would he? Why would such a good and pure person want to be with a sinful, horrible soul. Why would any good person be able to forgive someone who betrays them?
I am selfish, I want my life to go back to normal, but normal isn't part of the story anymore. There will never be normal again. At least the way that I think normal is.
On Sunday, the Reverend spoke about trials and tribulations. She said that we will all be faced with them, no matter what. I do believe in that, full heartedly, and her message was that even though we are faced with those trials and tribulations to the point where we are completely broken and don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces, that that is where our faith is tested. That is where we are faced to stand before God and it's how we face our fears, our trials and tribulations, and really and truly define who we are.
I don't know if I am there yet. I still have my selfish moments, my moments of sadness, sin, and doubt. I want to be a Godly women, I want to learn more about God, Christ, and my faith. I want to be a good person and I want to be a good wife. I pray that I can be forgiven by my family, friends, God, and my husband. And I pray that I can forgive myself because this journey that I am on has surely been Souley Unexpected.
BE
